Let me start by saying, for a large part of my life I often desired the perfect girl to be with. Out of all the girl-friends, or “flings” rather, I never could obtain her. Because of early exposure to bad media (I assume), my feelings were mingled with innocent romanticism to all-out sexual lust. However, I’m sure it was nothing short of the grace of God that allowed me to keep my purity throughout my lustful encounters with the opposite sex. When I finally committed my life to Jesus, in the spring of 2005, I quickly realized certain ideas and habits would have to be cut off (Matt 5:27-30). I admit, at first I did stumble a bit. The truth is I didn’t want to let go of certain passions. I still wanted that girl. As I meditated on certain events that happened or didn’t happen, I realized how God was preserving me. I knew it was God’s desire that I strive for purity, so I became determined to obey Him and run after my calling (1 Cor.7:17).
As I began my journey as a new-believer, I found many scriptures in the Bible that further established my understanding that sex would have to wait till marriage. These verses or passages include: Leviticus 18, Matthew 5:27-30, Acts 15:20, and I Corinthians 6: 9-20 (to name a few). Upon re-meditating on these scriptures, through a period of four years, I noticed a progression in the extent I would go to maintain abstinence from physical intimacy with a woman.
At first, I purposed in my heart not to have sexual intercourse until I got married, but I could still date, touch, and kiss a girl. However this still allowed room for inappropriate behavior that came very close to going all the way. So I made a pretty crazy vow to God that I would never kiss a woman until I was standing next to her at the altar and saying “I do.” I still thought dating or “talking” was permissible, but I put greater restrictions such as not holding hands, only side hugs (not too long either), and no inappropriate touching. But, I found when alone with a girl I was interested in, it became very hard for me not to feel a strong sexual attraction. Praise God I didn’t do anything, but nevertheless it was there! I now know if it wasn’t for God’s Providence to end such a relationship, I would have fallen. It wasn’t until recently that I knew I had to go even further in my restrictions in order to maintain purity.
As I wonder in awe at the glory of God, His sovereignty and grace, I have an increasing fear of dishonoring His name. Not only for the sake of my soul’s eternal destination, but just because if I mess up, I would be yet another statistical number on a long list of believers who did not take heed before they fell (1 Cor.10:12). And beyond that, how could I hurt the one who demonstrated the ultimate love towards a wretched individual as me (Rom5:8). As I look back a few months ago, I recall making a drastic decision to not be distracted. No, it’s not celibacy, but it is just a step lower I would say. I take a big part of what I do or don’t do from a key passage in Matthew 5. In verses 27-30 Jesus says if a man were to look upon a woman to lust after her, he already committed adultery with her in his heart. He goes on to say that if your right eye or arm causes you to sin pluck it out or cut it off! Of course, He means this figuratively, but He says it like this to stress the seriousness of His message. I had to examine myself to see what was causing these strong desires of physical intimacy that continued to plague my mind. In Matthew 6:22, Jesus says that the eyes are the lamp of my body and if my eye is good, then my body will be full of light. So, a couple of years back, I put two and two together and realized, “Man I got to change what I watch.” So, I decided not to watch any more R rated movies that are harmful for my soul. And I will guard my eyes while I am on the computer. Okay, this is a way of “plucking out” my eyes, but I also I had to make another choice.
The choice I made recently (April 09) was that I would not date a girl, including “talking,” until I know for sure its God will. Am I saying dating for everybody is wrong? No, that is not what I mean. Realistically, we all have our different temptations and we have to go about overcoming them in the most practical and effective way possible. “Cutting off my hand” by not dating would be avoiding the temptation altogether. I am terrified to death in living an un-meaningful life that will lead to separation from a loving God! So, I pray daily “God by any means necessary do not let me fall away from you!” James 4:14 is quite clear tomorrow isn’t promised, so we cannot afford to make a mistake. “Just one time” can be a matter of life and death.
Paul Washer once said of John Piper, a man he highly esteems, “If I were to see him walking through those doors in the back, I would turn the other way to try and avoid him.” Paul did not say this because he disliked Piper, it was because he did not want to force a meeting that was out of God’s will. He goes on to say if God really wants them to meet, He would do it in a way Paul Washer would not be able to avoid and know its God’s will. Now I say the same thing, not of a ministry leader I admire, although I have quite a few of them, but of a woman I desire as a girl friend. I do not want to be in a situation that will lead up to an unbeneficial but permissible period in my life (a waste of time!). I say the following with humility, knowing I cannot do anything righteous of myself, but I can only accomplish this by abiding in Christ (John 15), If God wants me to get married, then I do not want to force an encounter with my future wife, but by His grace I will allow Him to let it fall into place. So, for now I will continue waiting. I’ve been single a few years now and I heard of people being single for decades (I hope that’s not me), so I know it’s not impossible. I’m just going to focus on Him and avoid a relationship that will not glorify God. Now those are my thoughts on dating, if you disagree or have a clarification request, feel free to comment and I’ll be happy to converse with you online. If you agree, please comment as well. If you made it this far in reading, I love you and God bless!
Sincerely Your servant,
Richard Valencia
